Saturday, May 12, 2012

Diet Sickness

FREE LIMITED TIME OFFER! ACT NOW!

For a limited time, you can visit my house and contract your very own diet sickness. Do you need to lose weight? Having problems getting over that diet hurdle?

WE HAVE THE ANSWER!

Using our patented Triple Strike Technology you too can be on your way to being pasty and too-thin.

Strike One: With our diet sickness you will lose all desire to eat anything. No more wanting that mid-morning snack or your bedtime ice cream. In fact, you won't want to eat anything. And if you do succumb to your habits or common sense and try to eat anything it will be regurgitated a few hours later. This greatly reduces your caloric intake.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL!

Strike Two: Take advantage of a weight loss secret from the ancients. We've found record of this long-kept secret as far back as Egypt, Greece, and the Mayans. What is it? Fever. You'd be surprised to learn how much energy it takes to raise your core body temperature by 3-4 degrees. Burn calories while you sleep. Burn calories while you watch TV. It's a dieter's dream.

WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

Strike Three: Once your fever breaks you will perspire away pounds of unwanted water weight. This is better than a wrap treatment at a high-end spa.

ALL THIS CAN BE YOURS TODAY!

Bonus: Just by visiting my home and hanging out for a few hours you too can catch the diet sickness. And for the first 100 people who take advantage of this opportunity, we will throw in an extra-special gift. While you wait for inoculation, you can keep yourself busy by doing laundry, dishes, vacuuming, or mowing the lawn.

WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR?

This is a limited-time offer. Once this sickness passes through my family you will have missed out on this rare opportunity.

ACT NOW!

Void where prohibited. Not valid in all states. All weight loss results are speculative and not verified by the FDA, FFA, BSA, NASA, or any other acronym or initialism. Sickness not actually patented. This opportunity is not rare. Side effects may include headache, body aches, slowed thoughts, lethargy, grumpiness, exhaustion, and an unhealthy increase in sarcasm.

3 comments:

Lisa said...

That is the best diet ever! Does it come with a butt lift if I sign up in the next 10 minutes?

Danyelle Ferguson said...

No, but you'll need a butt massage after being stuck in bed for two weeks! =)

Very funny post, John. So glad my illness could inspire you.

Julie said...

Hahahaha! Love this!

Now I'm just impressed you actually had the energy to be so creative while on the Diet Sickness. Well done!

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